Archive for Dating and Relationships
Curiosity Killed the Pussy(cat)
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me-YOW!
As most of you know, I’m the resident Sex Advice Columnist (@DearRedhead) for ToyWithMe.com. I have a post that I’m working on and I need your help. Please complete the following TOTALLY ANONYMOUS SURVEY and let me know how twisted you are. Thanks in advance!
Square Man, Round Hole: Overgripping and the Hindrance to Progress
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Exhibit A: Ever tried this? We all have...
My Sunday morning this past week was pure bliss. A lazy, loverly morning spent underneath a down comforter warmed by collective body heat followed by breakfast with the Caligater. A month had gone by since we’d had the change to catch up, our lives no more than random “squeeeeees” passing in the Twittersphere.
Something came up as we traded conversation over a table filled with buckwheat pancakes and scrambled something-or-others:
Square man, round hole.
I liked the ring of it so much that I had to write it down.
It’s woman’s life-long battle, no? Find a man/man engages/finally – a man who engages!/do I want this man?/it’s better than NO man/keep the man?/ditch the man and hold out for greener pastures?
(Realizing I’ve just summarized the entire run of Sex in the City)
My thoughts this week dribble across those who choose to hold on as opposed to let go. Of all the things in life we’ve come to know, we know when something is not a fit (see Exhibit A above). Yet what makes us so unbelievably blind and inarguably stupid when it comes to holding on to something that ain’t working? We have no problem sending back a meal at a restaurant, but when situations and people don’t jive with our groove – why the hell do we hold on?
Fear-based decision making is, without a doubt, the greatest hindrance to success out there. If we’re so busy holding on to something, aren’t we misdirecting our energy? When you’re on a bike or climbing ice, overgripping will fuck you up in pretty short order. When you relax and give yourself to the situation, you know what you have to do.
It’s the damndest thing: when you let go, you make progress. And sometimes, you perform even better.
I’ve heard this argument a lot lately:
- I hate my job, but I can’t think about looking for another job because the economy is so bad.
- He/she is fine for now. I know it won’t last but it’s better than being alone. (Holy crap – “fine?” You described someone you’re dating as “fine for NOW?!”)
Whatever your excuse is, maybe it’s time to look at your grip. Maybe it’s time to let go. It occurs to me that if something in your life requires a death-grip to keep it in your life, maybe it doesn’t belong in your life in the long-run.
I spoke about this on my business blog (Perfection versus Process) and here on Redheaded Fury ([Olive] Oil and Water). Yet the question keeps coming up. I have no doubt it’ll keep rearing it’s ugly-ass head as well.
What can you take the time today to let go of? Contemplate – as I’ve realized my focus on letting go has ushered some very welcome “keepers” into my life.
“If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive.”
~ Dorothee Solle
Blow Jobs and Reassurance: A Girl’s Guide to World Peace
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Open Wide...and shut up
I am confident that the key to happier relationships between men and women rests in one simple skill:
A woman’s understanding of when she should open up and shut up versus pet the puppy.
Let’s be honest: a woman could gift-wrap a blowjob and give it to her man for eight days straight at Hanukkah. And he’d never ask for anything else…except possibly a back rub and another blowjob later.
And then there are times where all your partner wants is your ear. His day sucked, he fired someone, your three-year-old tossed cookies on his work shirt. Whether the Yankees lost or he lost four hours of his day to some “stupid fucking database error” <blink blink>, he needs to vent and honey – you’re handy. At times like these, they don’t really want to hear what we think. They just need reassurance. They’re puppies in need of petting. And they need YOU to do it. Those sweet, manly puppy dog eyes looking up at you…how can you say no?
For all the whining that womankind does regarding the lack of oral sex and mankind’s affinity for sports and the remote control, wouldn’t it be more productive (and orgasmic) for us to play on their field every now and then?
We gals – and a powerful, intelligent bunch we are – tend to do a lot of thinking about what they’re thinking.
Why won’t he talk to me? Is he mad at me? Was it something I did? Can I fix it? Am I fat? Does this skirt make my ass look fat? Maybe he’s pissed at me because he thinks my ass looks fat in this skirt! Well, I’ll show him. Fucker. He can get his own dinner! I’m going upstairs to write a bitchy email to six of my girlfriends because he thinks I’m fat and doesn’t love me for who I am. He’s probably fucking his secretary.
Just. Stop. It’s really not that complicated.
Stop thinking it’s always about you and acknowledge: yeah, it can actually be about him. Instead of buying new lip gloss or a dress you think he’ll notice, why not give him the killer combination that will have him look at you like the rock star chick you are: reassurance and a blowjob.
He’s awesome/right/they’re wrong/yes, that sucks/no, he’s not crazy – but he wants to hear it from you.
He knows you’re a smart cookie – but sometimes, he needs you to go back to the Symbolic Logic course you took in college and work out the following If/Then statement:
If Man is frustrated (or breathing) and woman gives him a blowjob then he is happy.
or
If Man is frustrated and woman gives him reassurance without trying to “talk,” then he’d appreciate a blowjob (and will then be content).
Bottom line: sometimes guys just don’t want to hear us talk. Stop thinking that guys want to “talk.” Generally speaking, they don’t. They’d be just as happy with one of two things: reassurance and/or a blowjob.
This isn’t demeaning or belittling a woman’s strength and fortitude as an intelligent and equal partner. Admit it: sometimes we don’t want to hear THEM talk. Sometimes we just want a back rub or a foot massage or for them to not stand in front of the fridge and drink the OJ out of the carton right in front of the kids. But our feminine talents for deductive reasoning and emotive response give us an edge when it comes to understanding there’s a delicious power that stems from our sympathetic nature coupled with our sexuality. It’s not objectifying women or making the case that we’re not valued by men for our conversational skills, intelligence and accomplishments. On occasion, however, our needs (and those of our partners) are a bit more primal and have nothing to do with intelligence. If we spent more energy on accepting men for being male and women for being women, we’d have a lot more energy to romp in the sack. Just sayin’.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring up the stuff that’s bugging you or pissed you off. But instead of launching into an instantaneous, petty tirade about how much of a dick he’s being, cool off a bit. If it still pisses you off 24 hours later, then you can have a “talk.” It’s likely to be a more productive talk and one that will lead to his reciprocation in some hawt make-up sex following.
And yes – he’ll still want the blowjob.
